trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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