You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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