I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
