Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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