You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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