Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
