There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
