Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
