I'm so fucking centered right now
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I party with great urgency now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize