The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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