This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
