i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
