ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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