She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
