I didn't shave. On purpose
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
