and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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