Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize