and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
