Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
