its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
