Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
