Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
