Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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