When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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