I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
