I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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