hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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