MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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