I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
