she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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