You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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