i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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