that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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