Reggie can tackle my bush.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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