I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
