I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
