But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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