So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
