My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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