At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize