we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
