Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
