just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
