The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
