i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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