Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
