My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
