What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
