these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
