I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
