I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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