ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
