my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
