I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
