do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
