Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
