It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
