I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
