there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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