I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
