well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
