I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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